Aftershock

My whole world is falling apart. Mom was my anchor, my purpose in life. I have been viciously severed from that stability...now I am adrift in the horrific, churning waters of reality in a rickety boat that isn't going to last much longer. I do know how to swim...I just don't know how long I will be able to keep my head above water...or want to...

There is a detachment from my surroundings going on right now...the whole world is moving at regular speed and I am moving like centuries old, inert molasses. I am aware of sound, but not really hearing it. I am aware that there are things around me, but I'm not really seeing them. I'm moving, but I don't really remember how I got from one room to the next. I'm smiling about something that reminds me of Mom one moment and sobbing uncontrollably the next. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a year. I never truly understood what the word 'exhausted' meant until now.

I have always heard there are seven stages of grief...right now I would say I'm at stage one - shock and denial. I have this overwhelming urge to walk to the nursing home to pick up her dirty laundry, even though I know she is no longer there. I keep thinking she is going to run out of things to wear if I don't, or that her clothes will be sent down the chute to the laundry room, never to be seen again. It is taking everything within me to keep myself from going there...I keep hoping there's a slight chance that this has all been some kind of sick, horrible, terrible mistake...that I will climb the stairs to the second floor, go to room 203 and there'll she be, her face all lit up with happiness the second she catches sight of me...

But...I saw her body. I stood next to her while she lay lifeless on the gurney, her face uncharacteristically expressionless, her left eye open slightly and sightless in death. I kept waiting for her to sit up, laugh, smile, hug me, kiss me on the cheek, and start singing that silly song of ours. I kept waiting for her to see me...to know that I was there so that I could watch her eyes light up one more time at the sight of me...

I am in agony. I thought I was scared shitless before with everything that was going on, but now, the only person that ever truly loved me unconditionally has left me behind on this earth. I belong to no one now...no one will ever care about what happens to me again, not like Mom did. I feel like a stray animal, pathetically crying outside of people's houses, begging for someone, anyone to care. I am cold, lonely, and frightened out of my wits. I know it's only a matter of time. I am going to die out here.

I sacrificed everything because of my family. I never married, never had children. I was too busy trying to fix what was broken, to be the good daughter/sister, to put all of the pieces back together again and make things better than they were before. Yes, I did right by my mom. I was there for her. I took care of her until I couldn't care for her anymore. I helped her get her finances back in order, got her out of the debt my brother had gotten her into (except for the Home Equity Loan, which I will blame him for even after I die) and thought at long last, we would be free to enjoy the years she had left in this world. Then she got sick..so very sick...and all of our dreams and plans died along with her independence, her ability to breathe, and her forced admission into that god-awful nursing home...

There are so many things that terrify me about this I don't even know where to begin. I have never known fear like this...my last refuge has been ripped away from me. There is nowhere left to run to, nowhere left to hide. I am naked, exposed, and utterly helpless. The vultures are already circling...they will not wait for me to die. They are swooping in en masse to rip the flesh from my bones while I am still alive...and in depraved indifference, no one will acknowledge my screams. They are leaving me to my fate with no compassion, no remorse, no guilt. This isn't their problem, and there isn't anything in it for them if they do get involved, so why bother? This world is a cold, cruel, heartless place. It's truly every man for himself.