Saturday, December 18, 2010

My Mom Is Having A Rough Month...

It's been nearly two weeks since my last posting. My mom has been in the hospital twice within the past two weeks. The first time, she was severely anemic and needed three pints of blood. She was out only a couple of days before she had to go right back in again with pneumonia and a blood infection. I talked to her doctor today; they will be amputating her left leg below the knee as soon as she's strong enough. She is going to be a double amputee.

Last Christmas, Mom was at home. I cooked us a nice Christmas dinner. We were happy. This year, I'm alone in our house, scared out of my wits, completely isolated at one of the worst times of my life. There are no decorations up, there is no holiday music playing. I don't think people understand just how terrifying this emptiness that is swallowing me whole right now is turning out to be.

I still keep wondering what on earth I did to make God so angry with me that he would allow my family to suffer so consistently and leave our prayers unanswered all of these years. I beg people not to leave me alone with this, but they do. There's always something more important that they have to do. They're more than willing to take me to the hospital and drop me off, but nobody will stay with me to visit with my mom. Seeing her like this...it's eating me alive in a way that is more painful than anything I have ever known. Even being violated as a child doesn't come close to the pain that I'm feeling now. I am in agony, and I am alone...

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